(Humorous, true story) “The inherent dangers of tanning”

During the last six years of my previous career, I worked in cancer treatment. I can not begin to tell you how many times I have listened to the physicians involved preach about the inherent dangers of tanning and its relationship to the life threatening cancer melanoma.
Now tanning salons will tell you the opposite and even go so far as to say that tanning has its own health benefits and is necessary if you do not regularly get enough sun.
I write this story as a warning and will only bring out the truth so as to protect the ignorant.
I have suffered a great deal in this life, major, traumatic, life changing things have taken place, but it is not those things that make life so miserable and sometimes even unbearable. It’s the little things, the broken shoelaces, the stubbed toes, the biting of ones tongue or cheek while enjoying a succulently char broiled steak. AAAARRRGGG!
One of those little things for me was an acne problem.
As if going through puberty was not bad enough, oh no, I have had to suffer with a life long flare up of acne on my back and chest. What’s the big deal? I will tell you. Try getting one of those buggers right in the middle of your back.
You don’t even notice them until you rub against something. After the pain has subsided you have to deal with the embarrassing questions from your wife, “Honey, what happened, you’re bleeding?”, “I just got shot trying to stop an armed gunman from taking the life savings of a little old defenseless lady.” Nope, nothing notable like that, just simply “I popped a zit” (stifled laughter) “oh baby, I’m sorry”
In any case when I turned 35 I said enough was enough.
I do laundry every Saturday with a good friend. At this laundry facility they have tanning beds. I laid aside my masculinity, dealt with the taunting and jeering of my friend and ignored the melanoma warnings from my co-workers. I had read some articles and made the decision to begin a tanning regiment, however I would be smart about it. Only ten minutes a week, what could possibly go wrong?
Halleluiah, I had found the cure! With in a week they were gone. This opened up a whole new world for me, no longer would I be embarrassed to go to the pool.
Then it happened, they all had warned me that tanning was dangerous, little did I know how right they were.
One Saturday, just like all the rest, I had just put the clothes into dry and headed to the back for my ten minutes of light therapy. Over the years I had it down to a fine art. The one minute warm-up while undressing, the head phones in and the IPod locked onto my favorite album, the fan on so the breeze blew coolly on my face, I climbed in and lowered the door, before I knew it, it was time to get out, I gently pushed the lid open,,,,,, open, OPEN!
You have got to be kidding me, no joke, I was stuck. Worse, stuck naked! I laughed a little out loud as I tried to remain calm. I pushed with my knees and arms at the same time, it didn’t budge, the panic began to set in but I quickly reminded myself that this is how people die and thought it through. AH, my cell phone, thank God. I squeezed my leg through the very small opening and stretched it out trying to grip my jacket with my toes, its just to far. Do I begin to scream for help? No frikin way! The only one I want to find my naked ars stuck in a tanning bed is my wife, and she no doubt would be laughing to hard to help me. Finally after twenty Closter phobic minutes I realized that the foot of the lid moved more then the head, the jam had to be within reach. Houdini would have been proud, I managed to contort my arms out of the top and found the jammed rail within minutes, “phew, I was free”. I quickly got dressed and began to examine the lid. I was able to replicate the flaw and wanted to warn the facility of this broken piece of equipment lest any other unsuspecting victim fall prey.
I went and got the manager, as we walked to the back, I explained that there was something wrong with the tanning bed. When we got there I asked her to try and open the lid. She lifted hard with no results, I encouraged her to try even harder, and she did. Then she stood back and shaking her head, looked at me and said, “wow good thing you wern't in there”, without hesitance I replied, “um, yes, good thing”. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!